Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Dumb & Dumber

I sold me a fancy plate the other day.

It was definitely NOT true fine china, but a production of some dank Viennese cellar sweatshop where children fed only on dark chocolate bon-bons are forced to paint beautiful designs on display china. It even says Hand Painted Vienna China in fine orange lettering so you can see it from 100 yards and you know it's real.




Or so I thought.
I did say in my listing that it had some minor wear, but was in excellent condition none the less and I suppose that's true, as far as vintage Viennese china goes. I just had a little hiccup @ the point of boxing it up.
I stood there in the bright florescent light of my basement eBay facility which includes a photo booth, shipping table, inventory shelving and monster paper cutter I rescued from an old dumpster.
The bright light played me false. I looked at the plate & it had the distinct appearance of having been flailed with a cat-o-nine-tails laced with tacks & coated with abrasive carborundum chips.

How do I know that look?
Let's call it a vivid imagination. Let's just say, the line between reality and any given nightmare I create is mighty thin. So, I've convulsed to death from a sever head blow, drowned, burned, tasted Zyklon-B gas, been crushed to death under a leaky port-a-potty, and sadly, seen this lovely plate thrashed with such an aforementioned device as the China Distressing Cat-O-Nine!

What would I think if I got this gnarley piece of landfill and paid 12 bucks for the privilege?
I'd think, "Fuck this guy! I got ripped off! I never ordered a fucking plate!"
So, I think that this guy is gonna be pissed.
Unless he understood that minor wear was an expectation of condition when the words "vintage" and "handed down" are used. I mean, you can see the picture of it. Can't you see the yawning white spaces of china showing through the gold?

That's not enough. I didn't get 1000 positive feedbacks by splitting hairs and frankly I don't deserve the 12 bucks. So I compose a letter to the customer.

"I was putting the plate in the box & looked at it one last time and realized I was perhaps too enthusiastic about the "minor wear" in the gold leaf. This has happened before. I think everything is fine, but when I give it the last check, it looks far worse than I first thought. Sometimes it's as simple as "the right light".
I'm hoping you don't agree, that I'm overreacting and it's just a rare form of Fine China Dysmorphic Disorder on my part.
However, I'd much rather err on the side of caution and not leave you feeling ripped off, because I hate that! I claim to be trustworthy & I'm serious. If you have any problem with the plate, let me know. If not, enjoy and I'm glad it was just dysfunctional anxiety. Thanks. Peace, HB�"

I can see this guy now rubbing his hands together in a Mr Burns, sort of "I've got him now" fashion and looking for any way he can take advantage of my disorder and get a free plate. He probably doesn't even open the box before emailing his utter disgust at my flagrant mail fraud in attempting to foist off this piece of dross on such a fine American as himself. This is tantamount to retail terrorism! An outrage!
He marks me down as the worst seller on record, somehow managing to give me two negative feedbacks and a letter of censure from eBay.
He demands his money back and treble damages for my gross misconduct!
I'm out $60!

Or not.

Maybe he's a regular guy and I need to get over myself.
He can plainly see the gaps in the photo I used.
What the fuck is his problem anyway?
It's only a fucking plate...

Two days later, he's got his plate. I'm waiting for the inevitable "there's a problem" email. Instead, I get this feedback:
Lovely item. Smooth, easy transaction. Prompt service and shipping. THANKS.

Kick me in the ass & call me shorty!

Friday, July 25, 2008

Put me on the No Fly List, Please

Just how many jokers start a blog with, "I'm starting a fucking blog, man. Don't know why."

Well. count me among the jokers. I'm just hoping to be inspired by something and write a few lines of drivel now and again. I imagine all sorts of pithy comments drifting into my head.

They will probably center around my extreme anger and disillusion with BushCo Inc. and the dirty dealings of a dry drunk fascist misanthrope who holds hands with Osama's Uncle Akmed when vacationing in The Land of Saud. Vacationing...

I often wonder why anyone bothers to illiterate the myriad facts against Bush that show plainly his banal perfidy, callous betrayal, depraved indifference, abysmal ignorance, sniveling cowardice and reckless belligerence. No one with enough power cares or they're making too much money off his regime to do anything about it and only a very few are even remotely real about it.
(You GO Kucinich!!)

I don't much care for that Parliament of Whores in the Capitol Building either. They have SO betrayed us as to be criminal!
My wife loves that scene from Mars Attacks where the whole body is charred into green & red skellingtons! I used to be more temperate about it, but now I see the virtue in clearing the boards aggressively. The status quo is killing us!

Unfortunately, I actually believe Daniel Quinn in Beyond Civilization who said, and I paraphrase poorly, voting is crap, because you just replace one useless sack of money grubbing excrement with another younger useless sack of money grubbing excrement.
You won't change this "democracy" by adhering to the institution that protects it. "It" being its deformed parasitic twin and not democracy at all.

New energy source! By shoving a rod up Jefferson's dried out old rectum and attaching it to a generator, power can be produced by his pretty much constant rolling over in his grave. Other forefathers, also tapped, could feasibly power Cleveland.

To be fair, I'd have to say some of the forefathers were losers too, because they wrote the Constitution just to shut "the people" up who, after fighting the revolution at their behest, had to pay outlandish taxes to the landed pricks who's only claim to the land rested with THE FUCKING KING!
What had the Americans just fought and died to determine?
That the power of the king is no such power!
Who's King George and how dare he?

So, we're entering into our two hundred and thirty second year since The Declaration of Independence and we are no more free of tyranny than on that day.
Somewhere along the line we forgot that capitalism is not a form of government and that efficiency of law is unethical and that ethics and cooperation is how we got civilized and corporations do not deserve human rights.

It's all such an overwhelming heap of stinking dung now, I think most people just turn away. They take a "Not My Problem" pill & hope they don't lose the house. In fact, the idea of coming out against tyranny makes you a target, so stay indoors away from the windows and maybe there'll be another Passover for Pussies.

There won't be.

Back to Quinn, I paraphrase again.
Get OUT!
You can't reform the war pigs.
You can't stop the corporations.
You can't trust the politicians.
Every effort you make is wasted time better spent on getting out of the loop, getting off the grid and choosing a new way to live. I know I'm not making it very sexy, but look at how you live now. Look at what you're up against. Imagine the Congress turning around tomorrow and doubling the minimum wage, ending the war and impeaching BushCo Inc.

NOT going to happen!

And it's not that I adhere to the words of Daniel Quinn. I'm far too jaded & lazy to go rushing off to war. I just think his ideas are a better place to go than the endless nightmare we have built for ourselves here and I want everyone else to start living like that too. I don't believe in living by example. I believe in bitching until everyone is so tired of my bitching that they do what I want.

I also cherish the words of Groucho Marx and don't trust any club that would have someone like me as a member. So I leave it to you.

Ishmael Society