I recently found myself reading an email that charged me with vulgarity.
I was accused of this because I had recently referred to the sender's "lover" as a deadbeat.
Let me step back a few weeks.
On ebay, I had listed a Ren & Stimpy Style Guide that I had rescued from the trash of our dying screen print company several years ago. I thought at the time that it was cool & hip & I would own it for ages. I hoped my daughter would show up on Antiques Road Show some decades hense and find out it was worth hundreds, if not thousands of dollars.
But I'm out of work & fast becoming broke, so I listed it on ebay.
It took off! It hit $187 at the end. I was very happy to get that much, thinking it would hold me for a couple weeks.
Sadly, I wasn't to get that much.
After three days without a reply I was wondering what the deal might be. I sent a reminder invoice. All very standard.
After a week and a couple more invoices I started tagging fees on to the invoice to get the buyer's attention. Nothing.
I even look up the address in Google Maps and see the Street View of his neighborhood, just so I know it's not a hog wallow or a croc nest.
Finally, I made an Unpaid Item complaint to ebay to recoup a load of fees I was charged.
So in one week, I went from $187 in the black to $10 in the red!
The Unpaid Item Dispute is a funny thing. I'm not sure what ebay says to the non-payer, here on referred to as deadbeat, but they usually perk right up, like after a long sleep. I think ebay points out that they'll get a demerit and with enough of those a deadbeat can find himself "no longer a registered user" of the system!
Anyway, suddenly, life!
Here's a little bit of a taste:
eBay - Aug-16-08 at 07:40:56 PDT
An Unpaid Item dispute has been opened for the following item: 1993 Ren & Stimpy Cartoon Art Style Guide 4355 (#130242470888)
Reason given for Unpaid Item: The buyer has not paid for the item.
Buyer actions reported by seller: The buyer has not responded.
deadbeat - Aug-17-08 at 02:59:02 PDT
My apologies, have been away on business, will organise payment in the next couple of days.
Imagine that! I'm going to get paid!
Imagine indeed! Two days I wait...
hippieb - Aug-19-08 at 04:56:43 PDT
How's it going? Any idea when we can close this?
deadbeat - Aug-19-08 at 17:09:56 PDT
Actually have had a change of mind, my partner has just lost his job and we really need to watch our finances for a while. Happy to pay your ebay fees or mutually agree so you can be recredited. My apologies but would be very irresponsible to spend $200+ on a collectable when I should be paying the electricity bill!
Okay, fine! Pay back my fees! I can live with that. I mean, what do I care about losing $180 JUST LIKE THAT! What do I care I just spent two weeks nagging some Australian twit to honor his own word and pay me what he owes me. Did I say he was Australian? BUGGAH!
Well, after even MORE "paperwork" I finally got my fees back & left a nice feedback for the deadbeat, because, guess what? I'm not a DICKHEAD! Even though the guy would have left me high & dry without a word! Even though he forced me to be dickish & call out the ebay dogs on him!
Why the fuck am I being dragged into this kind of bullshit where I have to chase down some douche-wank to do what he knows he should? HE KNOWS he's fucking me over HE KNOWS IT and still it "would be very irresponsible when I should be paying the electricity bill"
No shit Sherlock! Why the fuck bid on it like that then? Do you have no concept of the other humans in this world who might be effected by your ultra-dork behavior?
I would have got over it, but something truly extraordinary happened.
I re-list Ren & Stimpy. Exact same listing.
It sells, but this time some lucky winner bids only $29.99!
Some lucky winner,and that's not me, let me tell you!
Here's what Sal writes:
Hello! I am so excited that I won this - I thought i'd lost the opportunity so many times and had to wish and hope until payday today that it was still available, and no one had outbid me!
Can you let me know the next step, as this is a gift for my fellow-human-lover and would like to confirm that you are a human being on the other end, and not a Dutch Chihuaha with a surname of Hoek! If you are, then... "Oh Reeennnn!"
P.S. It's been a while since I bought on eBay, so if I appear naive,
please be patient with me.
Some lucky winner from Australia!
It's not the same id, but curiously, almost uncannily, the buyer address is almost exactly 10 blocks from deadbeat!
Imagine my surprise and slightly nauseous feeling!
I write back:
Funny, I recently sold an identical guide to a guy not ten blocks from your address and he turned out to be a deadbeat. What a small world.
Anyway,I sent you an invoice.
If you have paypal, follow the prompts, they have it pretty well mapped out. If you don't, then send an international money order for the total in US dollars to my address. I will ship as soon as I get it.
Thanks for the business.
Now, you might wonder where I get off saying a thing like "he turned out to be a deadbeat", but I had a hunch I was being HAD! Let me just ramp up the heat a little and see what crisps.
Almost hilariously I get a note back after a couple days and really, like it took a couple days to get up the unmitigated gall and hubris to write so scathing a reproach of my little slight. PU-LEEZE!
Actually, I hesitated in paying (Australian habit I guess) as the deadbeat you referred to in your 2nd response is in fact the man I am getting this gift for.
I believe he wasn't able to afford the item (because he bid too much, ass!), but refunded you the listing price.(after I turned him in!) I do want the item,(sure, it's sooooo cheap compared to before!) but I would prefer you not to refer to customers as deadbeats,(I don't) also considering you have such
a unbiased listing site that allows for returns for any reason.
I have the money, but was really offended by the way you referred to buyers.
His name is Not Deadbeat (the name has been changed by me), and I am getting this for him as he is in an unfortunate financial situation and wanted to cheer him up.(yeah? cheer me up and pay for my shit)
He is no deadbeat, but a friend in need of help, not vulgarity.
Well it would be, if I didn't want to kill Sal outright and feed his corpse to the crocs. Crikey!
First of all, mega-super-ultra hilariously, I don't call customers deadbeats, just foot dragging, non-communicating, self serving, over bidding douche-wanks that never rise to the level of customer!
Secondly, "he is in an unfortunate financial situation and wanted to cheer him up" HA! Amazing two ton gonads are needed to make this statement with a straight face. I think Sal has a special carbon fiber wheelbarrow with anti-grav plating just to haul his bitches around!
He uses it to roll back & forth over my head and take my profit and make his friend happy!
I should be glad, not pissed! FUCK ME!
I am so sickened by this rectal diatribe that I write back: (again changing names)
I only wish you could understand what a horrible experience it was for me. I wasn't asking for $187, your deadbeat bid that deliberately and freely. Do you have any idea how foul it was having to pursue him about it? I'm a hippie dammit! He was totally harshing my mellow. It was totally wrong to leave me off & let me think I was doubly screwed. 10 days I waited in good faith, but he made me be a dick and call out the ebay dogs! Then, just when I thought it was behind me, you snag a total bargain and just so happen to be 10 blocks from deadbeat's address. Coincidence? I just LOVE Google Earth, don't you? It turns out not to be a coincidence at all, but I didn't know for a fact you knew deadbeat. That was a giveaway! I knew "deadbeat" would do the trick. Thanks! Do you know that ebay considers what happened here a scam? They don't shine on people who renege on a listing so they can go back for a cheaper shot. Luckily, you sent me an email in the ebay system that pretty much spells it out. I don't think they'll care about my use of the word deadbeat so much as your $150 bargain hunt. What do you think?.....Now see, I got so pissed off at being unfairly chastised that I got all Republican. Read carefully. My experience with deadbeat was pretty much the worse time I've had on ebay EVER. Worse than losing my job in May & having to sell off stuff I'd hoped to keep, like Ren & Stimpy. I still have a mortgage and three kids and going thru all this for a few bucks is just exactly opposite what hippies strive for. The last thing on earth I wanted was a bad time. I just want to sell cool stuff & have a good time & not have to go through hell to stay afloat. So, do me a solid and just pay for the book. I want you to have it because it's cool & I made it possible with my unbiased listing site. I will not pursue any complaint because I know you are young & as you say, naive. I don't believe you deliberately scammed me, and that makes me naive too. Can we just get thru this? PEACE, HB
There were key phrases used by Sal that really chapped my ass. One of them was, "you have such a unbiased listing site that allows for returns for any reason".
Yeah, what is that? I have a liberal return policy so I won't mind being fleeced.
You unmitigated dick juggler! Get REAL!
And my fave!
"He is no deadbeat, but a friend in need of help, not vulgarity."
I need help, fuckface! I need help to understand what kind of a mind thinks deadbeat is vulgar when doing an end-around to cheat me out of $150 isn't. You need a morality lesson. FUCK ALL!
I have not heard ONE MORE WORD from this wierdo and have opened an Unpaid Item complaint on him as well.
The kicker is I have another different guide, which sold, and the buyer would not respond for days and days. I added $2.00 late fee and said I would keep adding more until he paid his fucking bill.
I saw the top of his house too, on Google Maps. Somehow that gives me a feeling of power over these slithering little deabeats. It's like, "I know where you live, bitch!"
Anyway, I should have known, first because his feedback was (private), so I couldn't see if he was a prick or not.
Second, and more to the point, his chosen ebay id is this:
REALLY. The whole thing on one line!
Is that not a cry for cheddar?
The mind reels! Nob cheddar? WHY! TELL ME WHY YOU FREAK!
Imagine actually making that up to identify yourself in a public forum.
I should have known he was going to fuck me over!
I should have known...